Parenting

I have often remarked to members of my congregations that there should be a support group for parents of adult children. This writing from Henri Nouwen is helpful, I think, to understand our relationship with our children from another perspective. 

The Great Gift of Parenthood - Henri Nouwen

Children are their parents' guests. They come into the space that has been created for them, stay for a while - fifteen, twenty, or twenty-five years - and leave again to create their own space. Although parents speak about "our son" and "our daughter," their children are not their property. In many ways children are strangers. Parents have to come to know them, discover their strengths and their weaknesses, and guide them to maturity, allowing them to make their own decisions.

The greatest gift parents can give their children is their love for each other. Through that love they create an anxiety-free place for their children to grow, encouraging them to develop confidence in themselves and find the freedom to choose their own ways in life.

Time

Today I woke early and went to the church where we hosted a district committee. We are pretty insistent on being as hospitable as possible, so we made sure there was coffee and ice water. Lunch was prepared for them and we stayed until they were finished. It makes for a long day, but although it took the same amount of time, it wasn't  as long as theirs. 

Today this committee met with ministry candidates, local pastors, and others who fall under the oversight of this committee. That kind of work is painstaking and tiring. It isn't physical labor, it isn't even necessarily unpleasant, but when taken seriously, you feel the weight of responsibility. It is tiring. 

Time is a funny thing. We say we "make" time, "take" time, time goes "quickly" or "slowly."  Sometimes I think "time" has a mind of its own. This weekend we are even "losing" an hour as we spring forward for the time change.  But in reality there is never any less or any more time, it is an illusion due to our perspective. 

As you set your clocks this Saturday night, think about what a precious gift time is. Enjoy the journey rather than rushing from big event to big event. Never "wish your life away" as my mother used to say. Savor each moment and make memories. 

I am glad you took some time to read these thoughts.  May your time be blessed tomorrow and throughout your life. 

Blessing

This Sunday I am planning to have a blessing service as part of the morning worship service.  It reminded me of when I was last anointed and blessed.  After the service, I wrote this poem.

Faithful pilgrims with oily brows
  following as best we can the 
    footsteps of Christ.

Fearful people with songs of praise
   stuck in dry throats
      hoping God doesn't notice.

Weary travelers seeking a safe place for rest,
   come to the harbor of God's friendship.

God responds to the faithful, 
   the fearful, and the weary with open arms 
        and a heart full of divine grace and love.

I hope this poem blessings your journey of faith.

Has Reason Left Us?

It seems the current ideological climate is marked by unreasonableness.  I remember when you could have a conversation with another person and could disagree without resorting to hate-filled remarks and character assassinations.  You might even have a civil discourse in which new understandings could be found by both parties.  Now, the battle lines are clearly drawn and it seems all have chosen their sides. 

What happened?  It is as if we have dehumanized and demonized anyone whose views differ from ours.  We have become rigid in our opinions, and have closed our minds to any new ideas.  This makes learning problematic.  It also makes finding middle ground and discovering new perspectives virtually impossible.  Unreasonable disagreements are not new, but they do seem to have multiplied.

I'll admit it is difficult when the pendulum of reason swings so wide; when the middle has disappeared in the mire of extremism.  Good people are woefully uniformed, misinformed, and believe dubious facts because it supports their position.  Education has become suspect, and is even discouraged.  As someone who values as much education as you can get, I find this last part most interesting.  It seems that some would rather believe a lie, than to learn a truth that may challenge their views.  I cannot fathom this.

Today was a day of quite a few disagreements on social media.  People who otherwise might be nice, under the anonymity of the internet have said some very ugly things.  Intentionally twisting words and name calling seem to be the order of the day.  These are not teens who are caught up in online bullying, these are adults who are professionals in their field--and often in helping fields such as the clergy.

I am reminded of Jesus words as found in Mark 12:29-31:

Jesus replied, “The most important one is Israel, listen! Our God is the one Lord, and you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your being, with all your mind, and with all your strength.  The second is this, You will love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these.”

Do we show our love for God by our love for God's children?  Or do we want to narrow our understanding of who are children of God by our own standards, limiting our views even further?  Do we love our neighbors, meaning even those we disagree with most, as we love ourselves?  That would require us to respect their opinions as we would like ours to be respected.  

We live in a difficult time.  I would like to think that reason has not left us entirely, and with kind words and understanding spirits we can regain some of the reason that is needed in our country right now.  Join with me as we seek to bring a kind word, even in disagreement, and not hold grudges when others would say ugly things to us and about us.  Let us love one another as Christ has loved us and as we love ourselves.  

Piecemaking

I have recently taken an interest in quilting.  That interest has not yet born the fruit of an actual quilt, but my intentions are good.  I am inspired by the quilting group at our church called "Piecemakers."  This title isn't just a cute name with a play on the words "piece" (meaning what you do when you put a quilt together) and "peace" (tranquility, no war, harmony, etc.), it is what we are called to do and be.  The ladies that are a part of this group make more than quilts, they make peace.  Their quilts offer comfort.  They provide quilts for those whose lives are chaos (lost everything in a fire or tornado).  They give quilts as gifts to youth leaving for college to reassure them that their church family loves them.  They do bring peace, and I am very thankful for them.

In Matthew 5:9, Jesus tells us "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."  To be children of God, we are to be about the business of peace. We are to bring comfort to others, bring harmony when there is discord, and advocate for non-violence whenever possible.

Too often, however, we are more busy sewing seeds of discord rather than harmony.  We cry for war rather than search for peace.  Our lives reflect anything but tranquility as we seek retribution and revenge.  We are too busy being just like everyone else rather than the body of Christ.  We fail miserably at being the children of God we are called to be.  This is the sad truth of our witness as Christians.

But this is the season of Lent.  The season of honest reflection and repentance.  We can only repent when we are first honest with ourselves and quit making excuses for our behavior.  It is time we turn from our ways back to God's ways.

Blessed are those who seek to and live in peace with one another and with God.

I'll try to do better...

I'm not doing very well at my Lenten practice.  I forgot yesterday until very late, so I thought I would do two today.  I forgot again.  So, maybe I'll do one tomorrow since everything is snowed under here. 

I'll try to do better, of course I am reminded of the immortal words of Master Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try..."  It's one of my favorite sayings that I tend to share with anyone who tells me they will "try."  Particularly, if I feel it seems to be an empty promise. 

My efforts to do better, come with all the best intentions though.  I just know my tendency to procrastinate.  What I can promise, however, is to keep making an effort.

For today though, I will leave you with this thought from St. Francis of Assissi

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.


Amen.
 

Winter

In many parts of the U.S., there is snow, ice, sleet, freezing rain, and all around yucky weather.  The sky is gray and the ground is hard.  I'm ready for warmer weather, buds sprouting, and sun.  Of course, we have to go through the winter to get to the spring.

As much as I want to hurry through the cold, I am reminded of words of wisdom my mother would say when I would wish something would come to pass, "Quit wishing your life away."  I did not fully appreciate this as I do now that I am older.  My children have been born, were children, teens, and are now young adults.  I have aged -- some days more gracefully than others.  I have learned, and soon I will be graduating--again.  But it isn't always just education from books and school, I have life experience as well.  I hope this all means that I have a certain amount of wisdom. 

Life is meant to be lived, one day at a time.  We should enjoy or at least experience life every day.  The ups and downs are what make us who we are, and learning from these things is what gives us life experience, wisdom.  At times we would like to avoid the pain, but it is the winter that makes me appreciate the warmth of the sun that much more.  We appreciate the ups in our life, because of the down times. 

Romans 5:3-5.  "And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us."

My View is Limited

I do not know many people who enjoy walking in the dark.  Most of the time we stumble around, stubbing our toes and knocking our shins.  We prefer to clearly see where we are going and any obstacles in our path.  

While we can flip a switch to light the room, we cannot do the same with our future or understanding spiritual truths. There are folks who claim to see clearly in the dark--maybe they think they can--maybe they do not know what the world looks with the light on. 

1 Corinthians 13:12 tells us "We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!" (The Message)

We may be squinting trying to see through the dimness of this world, but God sees things clearly. We will too one day, but until then we can trust in the One who sees clearly until that day when we can see. 

My Covenant

You may be familiar with the Covenant Prayer

Covenant Prayer in the Wesleyan Tradition

I am no longer my own but yours.

Put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will. 

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed for you or laid aside for you,

Exalted for you or brought low for you.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things

To your pleasure and disposal.

And now, glorious and blessed God,

Father, Son and Holy Spirit

You are mine and I am yours.  So be it.

And the covenant now made on earth.

Let it be ratified in heaven.  Amen.

I find as I repeat this prayer, a couple of lines stand out to me.  "Rank me with whom you will," "laid aside for you," and "let me have nothing."  These lines are tough to pray--God might think I'm serious.  (Just kidding.  Tell me you haven't had the same thoughts.)  I am also curious that doing is paired as a counterpoint to suffering. 

As I think about my ministry over the years, I find that my suffering is often associated with doing.  Either not doing something someone thinks I should, or doing something someone thinks I shouldn't.  At times it feels like a no win situation.  Being able to stay grounded in God helps keep me from being tossed about like a ship in a storm.  The Covenant prayer helps me to remember that it isn't about me, it is about God.  So be it.

Less about Me

As I mentioned in my previous post on Ash Wednesday, I should probably think about why it is so important for me to make sure others begin Lent well, while I tend to be "late" getting into Lenten practices.  It is very simply that I see Lent as a time to be less about me.  If I think more about others, then I have little time to think about me.  Yet, I want others to have a meaningful start to Lent, because it is such an important time to me.  A time to look honestly at ourselves, in all our mortality and fallibility, yet in light of the eternal promise of resurrection.  It is a time we can put aside self to grow closer to God and deepen our discipleship.  Join with me as we seek to observe a holy Lent.

Ash Wednesday

No, I am not trying to sneak this in as if it is Ash Wednesday.  I did think it would be good to reflect on Ash Wednesday and the beginning of the Lenten season as a way of getting into my Lenten practice--to blog daily (except Sundays) through Lent. 

Ash Wednesday is generally one of the busiest days of the year for me.  You would think it would be Christmas Eve or Easter or some other high holy moment in the Christian year--no Ash Wednesday.  I see Ash Wednesday as the day that sets the tone for the whole season of Lent.  Lent is a time of repentance, of reflection, of looking at ourselves and our relationship with God honestly--no sugar coating or rationalizing or hiding--just us raw and vulnerable with God. 

I find it interesting that we often do not like looking in the mirror of our souls.  What is it we see?  What is it we are afraid of?  All of this comes to the surface to be cleansed and healed during the season of Lent.  We walk through the valley of the shadow toward the day of Resurrection.  It is...intimidating.

I am so busy preparing for the evening Ash Wednesday service, because I feel that in order to set the right tone, the service should be prayed over, thought out, with a specific aim of preparing those in attendance for Lent.  It isn't that the usual Sunday morning service doesn't have a specific focus or isn't prayed over--it is.  But the Sunday morning service happens every Sunday.  The format rarely changes, it is comfortable and predictable.  It isn't that Christmas and Easter aren't intentional or prayed over--they are.  But these services tend to be traditional, so while not every week, every year there are similarities--including the scriptural text.  Ash Wednesday, however, while every year, comes with more thought of what those in attendance need to come fully into right relationship with God.  What will begin their journey in such a way that they are inspired to continue it?

For the past several years, I have incorporated a time of prayer, meditation, and reflection, including prayer stations.  I have typically had four, but this year I added six more.  In the past, I have taken these stations down following the Ash Wednesday service, but this year I have placed them in a room near the sanctuary.  These stations will be left up all Lent long, open and waiting for those who need to renew their commitment to observing a holy  Lent. 

It is my prayer, as I worked to set these stations up, making sure everything necessary was provided for, that those who visit these stations--maybe once, maybe several times--will connect with God in a real and meaningful way.  That they will begin to see themselves--the good and the bad--through God's eyes.  That they will make the necessary changes in their lives, in their attitudes, and in their hearts to grow in their discipleship and draw closer to God. 

My prayer and my practices tend to be for others and their relationship with God.  Maybe I will explore why that is in future posts.  Blessings for a holy Lent.

Time to Get Back to It

It has been almost a year since I last posted.  It isn't that I have not been writing.  I have been doing a great deal of writing--my doctoral paper is finished.  I found out yesterday I will be graduating this May.  I hope to use some of this work for future publishing purposes, so I thought now is a good time to get back to this blog.

This happens to coincide with the beginning of Lent.  I would say I am giving up school work for Lent, but that would not be quite right.  I still have to make sure that the pages are formatted just so and the other minor details associated with preparing a doctoral paper for publication.  So, I thought I would write for Lent.  I am already two days behind.  This is pretty usual for me--getting a late start on Lenten practices.  Ash Wednesday consumes my time entirely, and then yesterday--well yesterday, I was celebrating.

I will attempt to keep up with blogging daily, Monday-Saturday, for the rest of Lent.  Who knows?  Maybe this will become a regular practice, and I will continue it.  Lent is good for developing good habits such as study or meditation and to end bad habits such as over indulging or negativity.  So, my practice this year will be to offer a Lenten reflection/meditation each day.  I hope somehow God uses this blog to speak to you.  Blessings for a Holy Lent!

Dancing with God

 

Several years ago, my husband and I took ballroom dance lessons for about a year.   When we went initially to see how we would like it, it was very awkward—VERY awkward.  I didn't know how to follow, and he didn't know how to lead.  While some people may come by these roles naturally and are more comfortable with them, it was a completely new learning experience for us.  One that was beneficial to both of us.

It wasn't just a matter of learning which foot you step off on or which way you turn, it was more nuanced than that.  It started with verbal cues—talking to one another to accomplish the steps—and exaggerated movements.  Then we learned to give and receive the subtle cues to our partner.  On his part, the slight pressure of his fingertips on my waist or his guiding hand holding mine.  On my part, the cues were more of flexibility or an openness to move wherever he wanted to lead me--not my strong suit.  I tended to want to anticipate his moves or to start moving where I thought we were going, but it didn't work out so well, because that just isn't the way dancing works.

But as we began to regularly practice dancing together, we began to understand these subtle cues, and we began to know, really know, our partner.  After much practice, you realize it isn’t difficult anymore.  In fact, it almost seems like second nature—like you have been dancing together forever.  You may still have moments of misstep, but you can recover more quickly, and it is less frustrating.

When you get out of practice of dancing with your partner, you may find that it is awkward at first, but with a little practice it once again becomes the fluid movement that is the dance.

I think back with fondness on that year of dancing weekly.  We do not keep it up anymore, but it was a worthwhile experience to have even if for a short time.  I find that this time in our lives taught us about following and leading at times other than on the dance floor as well.  We both learned how to be sensitive to the less obvious clues your partner gives you and to quit being so obtuse.  It also translated into other areas of our lives, and in my case, my ministry.

In my ministry, people have told me that they do not know how to listen for God, or that they never know what God wants for them, they are frustrated.  They desire to be in a relationship with God, but feel that God is far away.  It seems that the relationship they describe is a lot of talk talk talk on their end, but not enough listening for the still small voice.  And when you don't listen, you think you are hearing silence--it feels lonely.  Some even have remarked that they feel that God has abandoned them.  When I ask the question (and I usually ask) "what is God telling you," I get blank expressions.  The look says, "Didn't I just say God is telling me nothing?"  However, it is important that I ask the question, which implies that I know God is telling them something, they just haven't figured out what it is yet.

It reminds me of our dance lessons.  We are in a dance with God--God leads and we follow.  But many of us have not learned how to follow.  We want to rush right into leading, or to anticipate God's direction, or to give God our instructions, but that never works out too well, because anticipating or running ahead is not following.  Dancing with God means you are intentional in deciding to follow.  It means you practice regularly and diligently until you are one with your partner.  It means you give up the struggle to lead and enjoy following.

Enjoy the dance with God.

...a holy Lent...

Each year the conversation comes up.  It is a serious conversation, and yet, it is taken so casually.  I have been asked my opinion; I can count on the occurrence, like counting on the world turning and the sun coming up.  It all revolves around, "what are you giving up for Lent?"  Of course this question is right up there with, "why do you give up something for Lent:?"

Fasting is an ancient ritual and it spans many different religions including Buddhism, Bahá'í, and Christianity.  Of course, at this time of year, Christians observe a "fast" for Lent.  Fast means to abstain from all or some food, drink, or both.  People who seriously fast will eat nothing and drink only water for a set length of time.  At this point, I would like to interject that before you decide to fast at all, you should consult with your physician, especially if you have other health concerns.

But the fasting that many Christians do for Lent, is nothing like truly fasting as it known in many cultures.  Some will give up meat, which is probably the greatest sacrifice people will make, unless of course they are vegetarians and do not really care much for meat anyway.  No, most people I know will "fast" from sodas or candy.  There is even the fasting from facebook or other social networking sites.  Then there is the fasting from various other activities.  For those who strictly observe this type of fast, it may be giving up video games or television.

Now, if you relate to the above style of fasting, please do not take offense at what I am about to write.  I believe many people give up such things with pure hearts and good intentions.  For many, this is easing into a practice they may not be familiar with, but if you have given up sodas for Lent for the past ten years, I feel like I must ask...why?  The time spent on social networking sites can be time that is given to God.  I know if we give up something we consume every day, like sodas, we are reminded to identify with the sacrifice of Christ for us.  If it prompts you to remember this, then that is good, but of many of the people who will give up something for Lent never fully connect it to growing in the Christian faith.

I personally, however, cannot identify giving up chocolate or facebook as even remotely equivalent to recognizing the pain, suffering, and sacrificial love of Christ.  Maybe it's just me.  I tend to not "give up" stuff, preferring to add something that will bring me closer to God.  Adding an additional devotional time, adding acts of service or charitable giving, these things I feel bring me closer to God, keeps me looking toward Christ as an example, and growing in my discipleship.

I told a confirmation class one year that they should give up whatever they placed in priority before God.  They very honestly told me they couldn't do that.  Many things get in the way of kids relationship with God, not the least of which are well-meaning parents who do not think about what time they give to God, let alone what they allow for their children.  I think this is the question we must ask ourselves..."does this act of sacrifice, whatever it may be, bring me closer to God, keep me looking toward the example of Christ, and help me grow in my discipleship."

This year, however, when asked what I was "giving up" for Lent, in a very rushed way I jokingly replied, "complaining."  It was after all a very busy Ash Wednesday, with complications and frustration, so it seemed to be a good thing to say, and got the desired chuckle from whomever I was speaking to.  But then I thought about it.  And I really began to think about it.  The kind of contemplation that works its way into your heart and soul much like an annoying grass burr works its way into your life by infesting your yard, getting attached to your clothes, and burying into your skin and hair.  That doesn't sound like I liked that thought very much, does it?

It was definitely persistent, and I began to believe that giving up complaining was exactly what I needed to do.  Then every time I turned around I was thinking about what I had just said, or if I were really paying attention, what I was saying at the time.  I kept thinking to myself, "was that complaining?"  I didn't think prior to this exercise that I complained any more than the average person, still don't.  I believe we complain much more than we think we do.  But this Lenten exercise has made me much more aware of my thoughts and words.

It is day two of Lent 2011, and I must confess that this is actually probably one of those exercises that I will look at for the whole 40 days and wrestle with each and every day.  I don't think I have perfected giving up complaining, especially when there seems to be an inordinate amount of activity that would tend to lend itself to some whining in any event.  Many things in our lives can be frustrating and we complain to blow off steam, but I have found that this exercise prompts me to pray, at the very least, that I might not complain.

I pray that whatever exercise you do whether it is giving up something, adding something, or taking stock of your attitude, you will do with a sense of self-examination, and prayer.  It isn't supposed to be easy, and it isn't supposed to be something that doesn't have any application to bettering ourselves spiritually.  The act of fasting is supposed to be something (at least in my belief) you wrestle with.  Perfection isn't required before hand, but more of the target you are moving toward.  It comes with the practice.

I think the prayer for everyone should be, "Lord, what barrier to faithful discipleship do I need your help to remove."  I pray that you will observe a Lent that is holy and pleasing to God.

On Lenten Disciplines

I remember my first brush with Lenten Disciplines happened at a job I had in my 20s.  Since I grew up Baptist, we didn't really follow the liturgical seasons, so I had no clue about Ash Wednesday Services.  I had joined the United Methodist Church since then, but at this time in my life I really did not do much more than show up occasionally on Sunday mornings.

I worked in a law firm where two of the three partners were Catholic.  They showed up to work one morning with smudges on their foreheads. Part of my job was to make sure that they didn't look too stupid going into court, so I made a comment about the smudge to one who was walking out the door.  He looked back at me with an incredulous look on his face and said, "it's ashes" like I was supposed to understand what that meant.  I'm sure I had a blank look on my face, and the other attorney walked by and said, "heathen protestants."

Of course, since then I have discovered the significance of Ash Wednesday.  I get asked each year questions like, "what should I give up for Lent" or "why do we give up something for Lent."  And I give answers like, "you should give up something that you place as a priority over God." (People hate that answer, they want to hear something like, "you should give up spinach.")  I explain that we give things up to understand sacrifice and to surrender our will to God.

Yet, when I talk to my confirmation class about Lent, I tell them to think of what comes between them and God.  They would rather give up cola or chocolate than to even think about what they may need to really give up to get closer to God.  And typically within a day or two, they are eating chocolate and drinking cola.  While we may not necessarily expect our youth to fully understand these concepts, I have found that the youth I work with are simply an example of their parents life.  The adults are often no better at making God top priority than their teens. 

I have found that for me, it isn't so much what I give up, but what I add, so I suppose it is actually about giving up time.  My typical excuse is "I don't have enough time."  If I feel God wanting me to do something, it is really convenient to not have enough time, if I don't want to.  I am also an expert at 'being busy.'  I am always doing 'something' and it is always important, but it isn't always what I should be doing.  I am giving my time to God for Lent.

Lent is a great time to remind us that without God we are nothing.   Everything we have from our resources to our time to our family, etc., belongs to God.  We never know how much time we have left, so do we give it to God, or do we try to orchestrate it ourselves? In John 10:10 Jesus tells us, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."  Are we living the abundant life God wants for us, or are we accomplices in the theft of our own lives.  

What are you doing for Lent?  Not necessarily giving up something for Lent, but what are you doing to grow closer to God?  Are you placing God as top priority?  Or are you holding on to things and not giving God control?  Would you rather give up superficial things, or deepen your faith?

I'm participating on Spiritual Sundays this week